i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize