I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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