omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
