after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
