OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
