last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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