I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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