Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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