I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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