omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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