I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
