Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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