i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
