mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
