Need sex. Gaining weight.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
