Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
