don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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