I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
