Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
