The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i think my cat just said my name.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
