I will die if light touches me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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