either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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