I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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