If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
