you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
