I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
