You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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