you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
