Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
