That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
