she kept yelling 'call me bella'
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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