I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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