I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
