She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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