There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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