How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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