nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
