I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
