I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
this hospital has no fireball
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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