if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
