I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I can text with my tongue
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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