i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
