I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
