im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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