dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
