This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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