Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
