Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This toilet bowl is my home.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
