Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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