When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
