well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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