Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
