Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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