I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
