I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
