drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
