My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
