Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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