we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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