We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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