I met the friendliest cop last night
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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