Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
