I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
