I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
