Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize